Weiner: hoonigan, backward cap bro, mouth-breather, goober, cretin, mullet-meister, etc.

This is our new, recurring column about good Corvettes gone bad and the weiners that took them there. Put another way, it’s an investigative look into tarted-up, disfigured Corvettes that were sent down the stony path, only to be left in obscurity.

This is America, the land of the free, and by God, you can do whatever you want to your car.  Or, as creepy Aleister Crowley once said, “Do What Thou Wilt…”  Zeppelin fans might know that reference…

With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s start generating some “awareness” for poor, old Corvettes that have been misused and “updated.”  To Mssrs. Earl, Mitchell, Shinoda, Palmer et al, we apologize ahead of time.

Now, check this out this 1969 Corvette recently put up for sale from Copart.  Looks like somebody had an “idea” to turn a perfectly fine Chevy masterpiece into a combat gunboat – or something.

The glassed in grille/headlight openings, funky flares, elongated rear sail panels, over-fed Kamm tail and two blue “potato eye” lights growing out of the front fenders are just the beginning.

Check out the painted rally wheels, cobbled-together interior and groovy “Corvette” logo augmenting the V-shaped stripe on the bow nose of this thing.  Don’t miss the decal bullet holes either.

Located in Columbia, South Carolina, the car has a North Carolina title, and can be yours for a buy it now price of $5,900 and various sundry fees. Bidding is still under $1000.00.

How does something like this happen?  Taste is subjective but, this was once an expensive, goddamn C3 Corvette…

This kind of thing has really tarnished the Corvette’s rep. We all know that the C3 is best left alone. When taken care of, these rides are nice late-sixties, spaceship sports cars long on character and short on practicality.

Like Elvis, Marilyn and James Dean, icons are for everybody, not just tastemakers or the select few.  It makes perfect sense that Corvettes of this era are often recipients of this kind of customizing.  It’s a American automotive icon that exactly mirrors everything great and awful about this crazy country… and that attracts all, um,”kinds.”

Trying to explain that to a smug, import driving, “Portlandia” poseur – aka most of the West Coast – is pointless and just adds fodder to their disdain for God, ‘Murica and themselves. What’s more, these “weinermobiles” are evidence that their negative narrative is correct.  As Corvette folks, let’s not give them more arrows for their new-age quiver, yes?

Whew.  I feel better. Now, where were we?  Ah, yes.

Could it be salvaged? Liberated from it’s garish, maudlin, clown suit?

Maybe.

If it were ours, we’d call up Mike Yager at Mid America Motorworks and set up an account. Then, only after the birdcage was deemed sound or fixable, we would pluck the body off the hoary old frame and throw the rest “overboard.”

After some serious bodywork and panel replacement–it would be laborious but could be done–we would drop it on an Art Morrison frame, add LS power and make it better than it ever was…

And return this DaVinci of Detroit back to it rightful place as one of the coolest Corvettes ever made.

What say you?  What would you do with this Corvette?  Demo derby car?  Parts car?  Chicken coop? Let us know down below.